Godspeed
Stories for loss and losing
I’m not sure what it is about the winter doldrums (*is that a specific date and time, because I am almost certain it is right now and it started Jan. 1!!!) but damn it’s really something. Not even just for myself, because god knows, I love a good week/month and maybe year of serious depression, but like…everyone?
Here’s a current tally of what the world is doing to people I love and care about:
My friend’s little floof bunny died. He was YOUNGER than Marshy??
My friend’s horse tragically coliced and was put down, the same week as my other friend’s bunny. Big D as we called him was Oats’ best friend, his big brother (even though Oats is older), and we had so many fun adventures together. Rest easy, big guy.
My trainer’s horse started coughing up blood and died in a horrible way the same week as my other friends’ horse and bunny.
My other friend’s mother got sick before the holidays, and was declining rapidly. She is now in the hospital with stage 4 cancer. Absolutely riddled with it.
Like, wow. Ok, we get it. The universe is a cruel place and bad things happen. But do so many bad things have to happen all at once? It’s too much for a heart to bear.
This year, the weather hasn’t even been all that terrible. The sun shines, it’s not too cold, and yet this pervasive, lingering misery hangs over us. Not all the time, but just enough to remind you that this is it, guys.
For me? I still fluctuate wildly between being thankful or trying to. I listened to a guest speaker at work (Dr. Izzo) who works on the ‘science of being happy’ and still yet it didn’t reach me that much. What I think I’m looking for with these positive-mindset folks, is how? Being positive is easy when things are going right (HAHAHAHAH yeah like that happens). I even tried! I swear to god, I tried. I tried being positive, saying good things to myself out loud, for like a month. And then fell off that wagon when Oats got seriously injured. When my knees re-blew up and my kneecaps became too unstable to try rehab running. When I realized the neuropathy I have isn’t getting better, from AUGUST. When I realized I’m still on an 8 month trajectory for specialist help for the endometriosis that returned to ruin my life.
So, how do you do it? What am I missing?
I am grateful that I can borrow a horse to ride, so I can still ride! I am grateful that I can drink alcohol again, because by christ, raw-dogging existence isn’t something I feel like I can do anymore. I am grateful for my job, my relationship and my animals.
I’m not that grateful for anything else. You know what life? Like respect, gratitude should be earned.
And no, I haven’t earned it.